My life is pointless
I wish I had a voice
I think its secretly my job to fuck things up, I’m so good at it.
A letter never intended to send.
There are things I wish to say to you, but I can’t even look you in the eye . You were my best friend, I would have given my life for you…I still would. There were some things I lied about yes, I shouldn’t have said those things and I’m not going to make an excuse. I was young and stupid and people make mistakes.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I wasn’t fully honest, that I didn’t tell you how I was really feeling, and that I feed into the sex and drinking we were both a part of. It wasn’t me or you it was both of us, never separate.
I was so depressed and there are things I never told you and for that I’m sorry. I never fully expressed why I always said I had “no friends” to the friends I had because I didn’t really understand why at the time myself.
I could never talk to you about the things that have happened to me. Why would i? And ruin everything that you thought I was and did? No, never I couldnt be that girl, who forever looked gross and damaged.
I kept lying and lying because that’s what I thought would make me cool. Yeah little did I know I was making everything worse. But then it happened I realized I was going down a hole and I tried to fix it and that didn’t work. So I just kept jumping into relationship after relationship and basically made my life horrible.
I loved you like a sister and I can’t believe the way I treated you, I’m so sorry I really am. Although you weren’t the perfect angel either. I’m not here to try to push this back on you so don’t take this that way. When I did talk to you about being down, it was like talking to a guy about makeup. You weren’t even listening and I really needed you so many times and you weren’t there and that hurt so bad.
Every time something happened with you I dropped everything and came to you. It was shitty but I didn’t wanna be weird and say I was upset about your lack of attention in a conversation that’s not cool. Although I was never really “cool” its pathetic how much this mattered back then..
You had your friends and I had some too, but to you they were weird and yeah so what to me were like blood so it didn’t matter if we had different groups of friends we would still hangout no matter what right?
Not really i wasn’t “in” with your crowd so I got ditched and it fucking sucked. You were too good for me then and now. It killed me that after this many years of being so close you can’t even be decent and at least talk to me in person or on the phone you had to Facebook message me like I was some side guy you wanted to end things with. You insulted me and called me “toxic”. Your message clearly states that you were trying to let me ” get the hint”. Do you know how bad that hurt me? I was devastated for what felt like forever. I couldn’t even respond to you. I couldnt tell you how I really felt and I didn’t know what to say. I was blank …
I tried to get a hold of you for so long, yeah I felt stupid but I just didn’t understand. There was no bad blood that I knew of and it was honestly shocking. I guess that just me, because there hasn’t been a day where a stupid memory of us hasn’t passed through my head, it sucks but that’s the way you want it. I have since our talk tried to forget you and everything before this moment. I don’t ever wish to go back in time and fix anything, I learned more than I needed.
I am more awake now it sounds stupid but I have taken a step back and seen my flaws and slowly I’m fixing every single one, I guess its best that were not friends anymore i was so tired of pretending to be what you wanted. I’m not a party girl, I’m not hipster chic, and I’m so much happier. I don’t have many friends anymore and any that I do still speak to most likely don’t want anything to so with me. I don’t go out or have fun beach parties. There are days where I miss you but I just block it out. Because I finally found out who I am.
I’m sorry I lied I really am. I never meant to hurt, upset or annoy you. If you ever need me, you can always get a hold of me. I love you seacil. I’m so sorry and I just wish that I could have had a chance to actually say that to you. But I won’t and I won’t try to, its pointless. This letter will never reach you and I will keep moving on, I keep telling myself it will be fine one day I won’t care anymore and that somehow I can get closure but never attempt to gain that. I have made it a goal to completely erase the first 22 years of my life and start completely fresh.
You were step one this somehow is my closure posting this long drawn out letter that not a single soul will read and that’s okay. I had to grow up sometime and I’m starting over. I never wanted a reply, you have your life and I hope its beautiful and amazing and gracious. As for me I’m on my own path I guess I always have been, I just wanted ….no needed to get this off my chest. It needed to be said. I wish you nothing but the best.
I hate growing up.
Kesha lemme get that